The Grief of Growing Up with an Emotionally Dismissive Family 

Grief doesn’t just follow loss; it can come from the absence of what never was. 

Maybe you grew up in a home where no one yelled, but no one really heard you either. Where emotions were awkward, where “you’re too sensitive” was the answer to everything and where being vulnerable meant being shut down or ignored. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling has a name: hidden grief. 

This kind of grief is tricky. It doesn’t come from something obvious like a breakup or a funeral. It’s quiet. Lingering. It shows up when you second-guess your feelings, when you shut down during conflict or when you struggle to trust people even though you crave connection. 

So many young people carry this kind of emotional pain without realizing it. And the worst part? Most of us don’t even know it counts as grief. 

Photo courtesy: Pexels (photo by Sofia Alejandra) 

What Is Emotional Neglect? 

Let’s be clear: emotional neglect isn’t the same as abuse. It’s not what happened, it’s what didn’t. No one held space for your feelings. No one taught you how to name or process what was going on inside. You might’ve heard things like “You’re overreacting,” “Just get over it” or “We don’t need to talk about this right now.” Maybe your family looked fine from the outside, but inside, you felt like your emotions took up too much space. 

Over time, you learn to shrink yourself. To edit your feelings. To stay quiet. Not because you want to, but because you’ve learned it’s safer that way. 

Experts call this kind of pattern developmental trauma, when you grow up without the emotional safety you needed, even if your basic needs were met. Psychiatrist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains that when your emotional world gets ignored over and over, you learn to shut down those parts of yourself. You become disconnected from your own needs, like you’re always performing, even around the people closest to you. 

Photo courtesy: Pexels (photo by Andrew Neel) 

Why It Stays With You 

You might wonder, Why does this still affect me? Maybe you’re in your 20s now, trying to build healthier relationships, but something still feels off. You struggle to open up. Or maybe you don’t feel safe even when nothing is actually wrong. 

That’s because emotional neglect shapes how we attach to others. If no one showed you that your feelings matter, it makes sense you’d doubt them, or doubt that anyone else would care. 

“I Thought I Was Just Being Dramatic” 
One 21-year-old, who asked to stay anonymous, opened up about how emotional neglect affected her in ways she didn’t fully realize until recently. 

“There wasn’t yelling or anything like that in my house. My family wasn’t dramatic. But no one really asked how I was doing,” she says. “I figured out pretty early that big feelings made my family uncomfortable, so I just kept them to myself.” 

For a long time, she didn’t question it. 

“I thought it was normal to not talk about big feelings with my parents and siblings. But when I turned 13 in middle school and was trying to find a friend group, I kept feeling like I had to prove I was worth being around. I’d get anxious about needing support, like I was too much. And I couldn’t explain why.” 

It wasn’t until she started therapy in the last two years that she heard the words emotional neglect, and things began to make sense. 

“I remember telling my therapist, ‘Nothing bad really happened.’ And she said, ‘Exactly.’ That really hit me. I hadn’t realized how much the absence of feeling like someone cared about my emotions could leave a mark and how much it continues to impact me.” 

Now, she’s trying to break those patterns, slowly. 

“I still apologize for having feelings sometimes. I still worry I’m asking for too much. But I’m learning to pause and remind myself, ‘It’s okay to feel this.’ I’m just trying to be a little kinder to myself. It’s hard but that’s where I’m starting.” 

Healing Takes Time 

Let’s be honest: healing from emotional neglect isn’t a 30-day glow-up. It’s messy. It’s nonlinear. Some days you feel empowered, and other days you feel stuck. 

You don’t have to do this alone. Supportive friendships, peer groups, or even online communities can help you feel less isolated. Studies show that feeling seen and supported, even by just one person, can make a huge difference in how we cope.  

Photo courtesy: Pexels (photo by mododeolhar) 

Reclaiming What You Needed 

If you grew up in an emotionally dismissive home, healing might feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to fix everything overnight. Here are some small but powerful ways to begin: 

• Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself like you would to a friend. You don’t need to “earn” kindness. 

• Write about your feelings. Journaling can help you understand what’s going on underneath.  

• Open up to someone safe. This might be a friend, a mentor, a therapist or even a support group.  

• Express yourself creatively. Art, music, poetry, movement, whatever helps you feel connected to your emotions. 

• Follow creators and mental health advocates who get it. Sometimes hearing someone else put words to your experience is the validation you didn’t know you needed. If you’re looking for somewhere to start, you might want to check out Instagram creators @nedratawwab and @the.holisitc.psychologist or YouTuber Anna Akana.  

Photo courtesy: Pexels (photo by Polina) 

You Matter, Even If No One Taught You That 

Growing up feeling invisible can make it hard to believe your emotions matter. But they do. You do. Emotional neglect may not leave bruises, but the grief it causes is real, and so is the healing. 

You’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to need things. You’re allowed to take up space. 

So if this resonates with you, take a breath. You are not too much. You are not alone.