Are you a bully? How bullies think

Anyone can be a bully, and despite frequently being shamed for their actions, bullies continue to mentally abuse others seemingly without a care in the world.

This means it is quite likely someone can be a bully without realizing it. Although, there are several ways a person can reflect on their actions to avoid spreading toxic behaviours that bully others.

What is bullying?

There are at least six types of bullying, including physical, verbal, social, cyber, racist, and sexual bullying. It does not matter whether a person is physically or sexually assaulted, socially isolated by a group of people, or “just” called names, bullying in any shape or form is a cruel action that hurts its victims and should be taken seriously.

Why people bully, the psychology of bullying

One thing that may explain their behaviour is how bullies tend to not feel shame, guilt, or empathy. People can respond to being shamed in different ways, and these shame responses influence other parts of their personality.

When some people feel shame, they withdraw from others or avoid the shameful situation to focus on themselves, and still others blame themselves. An aggressive response to feelings of shame is attacking others, which is where bullying stems from.

This is not to say that isolating yourself from bullies is healthy, it can be lonely. People who avoid issues might abuse harmful substances as a coping method. Alternatively, people who blame themselves can maintain relationships, but only at the cost of making themselves the victim.

Nor is it to say bullies should be sympathized for their low self esteem, because bullies take advantage of signs of weakness, even if that weakness is someone who feels sorry for them. Instead, the best way to deal with bullies in schools is for a group of trusted people such as counselors to disapprove of their abusive behaviour to hold them accountable.

For anyone who is worried that they are a bully, there are some useful signs to look out for. If someone is regularly uncomfortable around a person they work or study with, that could be a sign that whoever makes them uneasy is a bully.

Bullies do not attack confident people, and because they prey upon those they see as weak, bullies feel the best about themselves when surrounded by “friends” who are insecure.

Anyone who enjoys seeing people around them fail—especially by purposefully setting them up to fail—is a bully. Using one’s power against someone else, spreading mean rumours about a person, or being aggressive—including making non-physical passive aggressive comments—also demonstrate bullying behaviours.

Incivility, a new, subtle form of bullying

With more obvious types of bullying being held accountable, people need to be aware of incivil behaviours that can hurt others in a less detectable way.

A research study collected data from interviews including 20 faculty deans who mentioned that incivility is on the rise in colleges and universities as a new form of bullying. Several minor acts of disrespect including under the breath comments, criticism, purposefully misinterpreting instructions, and spreading rumours cause similar harm to recognizable bullying.

In the workplace, incivility can be classified as an unfair practice—if someone in power chooses to act biased towards their colleagues—or spread viewpoints that make their coworkers feel uncomfortable.

Unlike a lot of standard bullying, acts of incivility are often overlooked, but they can cause the same amount of harm towards victims as any other type of abuse.

Here are some additional types of incivility to look out for, both direct and obvious, and those indirect and subtle.